And I Cradle Grief in My Hands
by TheWickedQuill
Summary: "He was the big cheese, Max. Logan was being touted as a modern day Benedict Arnold. As far as they were concerned, he was one of them but he fought for us - and that burned." From the Aegis series (same Post-Series AU as The Routine, Bargains and Snapshots)


**Title:** And I Cradle Grief in My Hands  
**Author:** thewickedquill (AKA Shay, untold_story, jracklesfan77)  
**Fandom:** Dark Angel  
**Characters:** Max, Alec  
**Genre:** Angst, Tragedy  
**Series:** Aegis (same AU as The Routine, Bargains and Snapshots)  
**Rating:** PG  
**Type:** Standalone within the series  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own it. I just play in the fandom sandbox.  
**Author's Note:** Again, no back-story. Springing forward approximately eight years into the future after Bargains. This particular installment is another snapshot into the life of Max (et al) and gives us a glimpse of choice and consequence. I hope you'll let me know what you think!  
**Summary:** "He was the big cheese, Max. Logan was being touted as a modern day Benedict Arnold. As far as they were concerned, he was one of them but he fought for us - and that burned."

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**And I Cradle Grief in My Hands**

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The television was regurgitating the same garbage as always. Transgenics, human rights, racism, Transgenics, hate, faith, God, Transgenics... It was getting really old.

"...take Logan Cale, for instance: a man from a prominent family with good breeding and even better connections, and a bright future. Threw it all away for a pretty face - one that isn't even human, and has no God given right to exist. These abominations..."

The debate continued in the background and Alec watched Max intently as she paced the length of the room.

"Why can't they just leave it alone? It's not a punishable offense anymore."

"He was the big cheese, Max. Logan was being touted as a modern day Benedict Arnold. As far as they were concerned, he was one of them but he fought for us - and that burned.

"At the height of opposition he stood for us, without regard for the consequences of his position and opinions. They saw him as a traitor to the human race. I'm not surprised at all the publicity this has gotten."

Max slammed her fist down on the countertop. "Eight years, Alec! The government went way beyond the pale on this one. It's positively draconian how they dealt with Transgenic supporters, calling them Traitors of State? People were killed just for their opinions!

"It was bad enough in the early days when they threw Normal in jail for being a sympathizer. At least things died down once the President got back in bed with Manticore and they let him go. But this? This is insanity, Alec! He was arrested on suspicion of treason - eight years ago. Why not free him? He's been in prison all this time. Why aren't there activists working to get him out, too?"

Alec winced. Max was not going to take this well.

"You've been away at Manticore a long time, Max. I forgot that you didn't know..."

Alec walked over to the makeshift bookcase that dominated the otherwise sparsely furnished room and bent to rummage through a pile of old papers. He extracted a worn and fading double spread feature from one of the more popular newspapers, handed it to her and continued softly. "His execution was carried out last May. I'm sorry, Max."

Max fixed disbelieving eyes on the paper and the headlines that leapt from the page: 'From Sympathy to Sedition: When Good Americans Go Bad'.

A tiny cry of despair escaped her lips, the color draining from her face. Alec stepped behind her to offer a comforting presence.

"Executed," she choked out finally, "For being my friend, an advocate for our cause."

And what good did it do them - or him - when all was said and done? he wondered. The man should have left well enough alone, let Max slip back out of his life as easily as she'd entered it. But of course he hadn't.

Alec understood all too well.

"I'm sorry, Maxie. I may have questioned the guy's methods and motives over the years, but Logan was always loyal to you. He really came through for us."

Not once, but many, many times had Logan risen to the occasion and spoken out on behalf of the Transgenics, fighting for and defending their right to exist. Alec hadn't always though it, but the cyberjournalist turned civil and political rights activist had proven himself.

"He was a good man."

Max sank onto a chair and slumped forward. "Yeah, he was. I should have fought harder, broken away sooner. Put an end to this a long time ago." She shook her head. "He didn't deserve this."

Alec rubbed his chin and sighed. "You're right; he didn't deserve a traitor's death. But none of this is your fault, Max. I know you; you're blaming yourself again. Don't."

Max moved to speak but Alec silenced her with an impatient finger-wag. "Logan knew what he was getting into. He knew who you were when he started this. We all knew the risks, Max. Logan was just one of the unlucky bastards who got caught. At least he died for what he believed in. Don't take away from that by claiming the blame. That's not fair."

Alec had a point, but that didn't make it any easier to accept. It didn't change the fact that Logan was another in a long list of casualties that spilled in her wake.

"I thought giving myself up was supposed to put an end to this kind of thing."

"Max-"

"Eight years, Alec! I spent eight years in that hole! I followed orders, lied for them, spied for them. Dammit, Alec, I killed for them! I did all of that for all of you! It should have meant something!"

Alec's voice was an agonized, near-whisper. "God, Max. It did!"

She crossed her arms in a display of stubborness, chin jutting, jaw set.

"I wouldn't be here if not for you! I would have been in there with you, more likely dead." Her eyes softened and Max wavered. Alec needed her to see how instrumental she was in their successes, despite the unfortunate losses along the way.

"And don't forget the entire generation of babies you saved. You gave them a life, Max. Your sacrifice was part of that. Logan's death was part of that. They'll grow up free because of you."

Max expelled a shuddering breath and nodded. She knew Alec was right. She couldn't dishonor Logan's memory by making this about her issues.

Her lips formed a small, sad smile. It was time to pay homage to the ones who were lost, by celebrating the lives of those who lived.

"So, about this school you've set up..."

FIN.

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There's a bit of a...unfinished feel to this, I think. Like it left off in the middle of something or didn't quite have all the right elements to make it just work. But that said, I liked it. Hope you did, too (though feel free to let me know otherwise :D)

Thanks for reading!


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